Why we risk discomfort

Apparently, I am on a "Why..." series (if two posts count as a series).  As if I can answer these questions sufficiently.  Well, I am here to say that my wisdom is inexistent and these are clearly the wonders of God that He has instilled in me to ponder.  These are only simple examinations of complex mysteries.  No answers are available.  Sorry, I am just not that good.

I have been reading this book for quite some while now, and yesterday I ran across something that has caused me to stumble a bit.  I am currently reading Beth Moore’s Breaking Free, which has to do with liberation and freedom and everything else that is going on in my life (God’s perfect correlation).  This question, though, was clearly from God, because it was never directly addressed in the book. It was hidden.  But somehow I kept thinking about it and God kept reminding me of it!  It was blowing my mind.

While reading about how to give up hindrances that may subconsciously be creating a barricade between us (followers) and God, Moore kept saying “Ask God to show you…”

I’ve done that before.  And I feel like every time I do it I get thrown into something that I do not want to be in.  I get handed the skeletons of my past, things that I do not even think twice about because I do not want to.  You know, those things that you are reluctant to pray about because even the thought of them causes your stomach to stir and your mind to shift.

Or maybe even those things you don’t think about because you don’t realize that they are even existant.  Those invisible walls.  Those things that are obviously a part of your life, but you are completely oblivious to the fact that they are affecting your relationship with the Father.  Those things we cannot know...without His help.

As I was asking God to reveal to me certain things discussed in the book, I stopped and thought, "Wait a second.  Do I really want to do this?  What if He shows me something I do not like? What if a disgusting sin starts bubbling up and conquers my thoughts and my life and I get trapped in self guilt and can't get out of it ever ever ever just because I asked God that one simple favor!?" (Good thing He showed me why this Easter would be different!)

^Kind of a dramatic effect.

But anyway. I caught myself wondering why I would even risk the possibility of an uncomfortable situation, just because....

Because why?!

I can say I am perfectly comfortable with my relationship with God at a certain period in time.  Nothing is blatantly wrong.  I sing and smile and laugh and dance and learn and seek and love and why would I ever want to endanger that?

Because I want to please the Father.  Because His love is unfailing.  Because He keeps no record of my sin.  Because a relationship with Him is the best thing I have.  Because He gives life in all its fullness.  Because He amazes me with His perfect plans.  Because any wall that hides me from God is something I never want in my life.

Because I cannot describe all He has done.

A good friend of mine and I had a discussion a few weeks ago about comfort.  We were talking about how the concept of spiritual comfort is very ironic.  When we are most physically comfortable, we are typically not as spiritually comfortable as we could be.  When we are most spiritually comfortable, we probably just went through a ridiculously awkward situation in this world trying to share the gospel with someone or (something of the sort) and needed God's help A LOT.

This is insane.  So when we are most comfortable in this world, we are not as comfortable with God because we are not forced to cling to Him as tightly.  And when we are most uncomfortable in this world, we are forced to cling to God extra tightly, so that we can feel the comfort of His right hand that He so graciously gives when we ask.

How the heck does this work!?

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. -Matthew 5:3-10

Guess that answers that.

I will risk discomfort in this world, if it means I will feel comfort from my Father.

Oh, the comfort He brings.

Good thing God is smart, because that was a question I was unable to handle.

I still kind of like pondering it.

What a God, what a Savior.  He surely examines our hearts.  He surely makes us do crazy things.  He surely makes us take risks.

He surely makes beautiful things out of us.

LMB

Why this Easter will be different

This will be my 19th Easter.  I have been through the drill--the Easter bunny visits, the sunrise services, the egg hunts, the pictures with the REAL Easter Bunny at the mall, [insert other surface Easter festivities here].

Needless to say, I know what Easter entails (not so bunny pun? [pun within a pun? stop the madness!]).  Anyway, I know what Easter looks like, sounds like, smells like.

And now I know what Easter feels like.

I have been living in Easter these past two months.  My life has been a constant resurrection and I feel more alive than I have ever felt.  I never knew that it was possible to feel so... freed, liberated, saved, other words that have to do with wanting run around and scream at the top of your lungs.  Yeah, that is how I feel!

I have been through all these Easters.  But this Easter is different.  This one is personal.  This one is special.

This is the first Easter that I have been filled with such passion and reverence about what it is that we are celebrating.  I always acknowledge the cross.  I know it is there.  I know what it symbolizes.  But I do not always fall to my knees before it.

Within the past two months or so, I have been liberated.  Liberated of a sin, or a collection of sins, rather,  that I was not completely sure were even sins much less sins that I needed to let go of.  I was pushing it to the back of my life, my mind.  But ignoring it was not conquering it.  It did not make my sins disappear.  The passing time only added to the weight of the burden until it was ready to explode out of me, until I could no longer swallow the bitter taste that had formed in my mouth from the bubbling of newly revealed shortcomings.  Guilt, ceaseless guilt.

Praise be to God, for He wrecked my heart.  He showed me that I needed to get rid of what was holding me down.

And He showed me how. 

It was quite a challenge.  And I was a mess.

It was a beautiful mess, indeed.

But now I know, that through that trial, through that exhaustion that came with trying to use my own strength to make things right, He was cleansing me.  He was breaking my chains.  And now I am feeling a way that I have never felt before, complete freedom, with a heart that literally and physically feels less heavy, one that is wide open to the love of the Savior.

Blood ran down His face.  His arms.  His legs.  His body.

That blood runs through my veins.  It gives me life!  It makes me happier than I have ever felt before!  It crushes every sin I commit before I commit it!  It washes away the wall of guilt that so traps me inside my own pool of shame.  It floods through me relentlessly, like a broken dam.  

And my walls are torn.

If I have learned ANYTHING at all that I could possibly put into words it would be that self-guilt is the devil's manipulation of the cross.  We can see the cross, we know that it is there.  But we don't see the Savior.  We don't see the broken body of the man who knew no sin, dangling in death so that we may be rising in life. We see the wood, each of the brown grains proclaiming a different sin, staring us in the face, mocking us, telling us to hang ourselves for what we have done.

But He is hanging on the cross.

I mean, we can't both fit up there.

He said "It is finished."

And so it is.

And that is why this Easter will be different.

LMB

Describing the indescribable

It has been such a long time since I have written in this thing. And there has been SO much that God has been doing in my life that I just want to scream it all out at you, but then you would probably walk away quickly with immediate worry of my mental state. So, I will try to softly and tenderly let my excitement leak out through these words. Irony at its best.

Disclaimer: Most of what I have been experiencing cannot be put into words. Sorry if you find the redundancy of overwhelming joy a bore. And if that is you, I dare you to feel the way I do. Please.

For starters, I have a new favorite verse. Oh yes, I do.

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. -2 Corinthians 2:14.

Those two words—triumphal procession—completely, fully, and blatantly describe what God is doing in my life right now. I mean, He always is, but I have never been aware of it in a way like I am now. He is doing that in your life too, whether you know it or not.

I had the opportunity of leading a group of four senior girls in bible studies at a church back home in a kind of DiscipleNow weekend called Invasion about two weeks ago. There were about 60 students there altogether, and that weekend may have changed my life. At least, it definitely changed my outlook on life, as revealed through the above verse.

As I was blessed to even be able to be present that weekend, it was made extremely clear to me that I was in the exact right place. I kept hearing this all weekend:

Lou, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Now, I have never in my years heard this statement so clearly in my head until that weekend. I mean, I always know that I am supposed to go where God leads me, but how often do I acknowledge the path?

It’s kind of like when you are driving a car somewhere you have been a thousand times and by the time you get there, you are thinking in your head, “How did I get here?”

Maybe that is just me. Or maybe, that is really dangerous…

Anyway, as I stood overlooking a group of 60 some students, from middle school to my seniors in high school, I could not help but to see my whole life before my eyes.

And no, not “my whole life flash before my eyes.” The word flash is totally not right. And so I hope that makes this seem a little less cliché…

The odds are against me.

It was a process. I saw myself, the awkward middle schooler with no sense of direction. I saw the 9th grader who was very dependent on friends, yet still urged for that something more. I saw myself last year, as a senior in high school, apprehensive about college and friends and life and the unknown in general. And then I heard,

Lou, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

I cannot describe how sweet those words are to my ears. I cannot express the joy that comes with standing where I am today. I cannot begin to contain my feelings of overwhelming gratefulness to my Father in heaven for leading me in triumphal procession. I have been in utter wonder and awe of the master plan of how I got here. How perfectly it worked out. How all of the awkward situations as a middle schooler or all of the doubt and confusion that came with entering a new territory seem like dust in the wind of His power. And that wind becomes stronger and stronger with each experience, with each particle of dust.

So let the wind carry this fragrance, this aroma of the Lord my God. Who always leads me. Triumphantly. Perfectly.

Look at where you are now. How exactly did you get there?

May your answer bring you even just an ounce as much joy as mine has given me.

LMB

Dueces, homie

I really thought that I would be a more faithful poster, but I am content with the status of my consistency (or lack thereof) because it is basically just another prayer answered.  I asked God to create my words and to cease my fingers from moving if ever I tried to offer my own worldly wisdom.  And so He has done it.  Praise be to the Father in Heaven.  Really.  A lot has happened, my friends.

Please note that I am not studying Philosophy like I should be doing.  Holy Spirit, I blame (thank) You.

If I could describe the past few weeks of my spiritual life in one word I would say jumpy.  Not negatively connotated at all, for I have learned through this skittish phase that my eyes have undoubtedly been opened up to a completely new lesson.  A lesson on peace.

I have recently caught myself writing/journaling to God noticing that I would cut corners or leave certain things out.  I would begin to write a sentence that I know the Lord placed in my head, but would refrain.  It is like I try to hide things from Him?  Strange and bizarre, I know.  And wow, it looks extra dumb when I write it out like this, but I trust that you readers are my friends...otherwise you wouldn't be reading this...unless your sole purpose is to pick apart the shortcomings of my writings...and if that is you, with your smirk of shame, please click the x in the top right hand corner of your screen, or your computer will spontaneously combust.

Just some passive-aggressive humor to keep you awake.

Anyway, in all seriousness, I have found myself resisting to write certain things out for God to read.  I mean, I know He knows what's on my heart.  Glory to the One who knows the innermost depths of my heart and loves me the exact same.  He is matchless.

It is not always a matter of confessing, however it often is, but here lately it has been a matter of asking for help with things that are not desirable in their present state, like qualities about myself that I know I need help with, but dislike the grief that comes with consciousness of fault.  I guess that's what self-awareness will do to you.  But, there is also another part to this hesitation.  It coincides with the consciousness of fault in that it is consciousness of faults of the past.  There is a word in particular I am thinking of for this...

Memories.  How glorious they are when they are good.  Equally, how traumatizing they are when they are bad.  Even writing that word creates a pit in my stomach, for I have in mind exactly the circumstances I have been withholding from my Savior.  You know, those memories where the same emotions that were felt on that exact day hit you like a car crash at even just the slightest reminder of the what all went down.

Bitterness bubbles after a while.

Alas, for there is wonderful news!  While our God is a Mighty God who is strong and swift and big and bold and other words in sets of two that start with the same letter, He is also a God of peace.  He is a hurricane of love with an eye of peace.  He is our Jehovah-Shalom, if we are throwing in some Hebrew.

I have read Psalm 23 my fair share of times.  But when I read it last week, it just instilled a whole new vision in my heart.  Lying down in green pastures with my Lord and Savior.  With gentle breezes and cumulus clouds shaped like dinosaurs, talking about more than just the weather.  What. A. Life.

How much peace is portrayed in that one passage!  I long for the peace that only He can give.  He is my Shepherd.  I shall not want anything more than time spent with Him.

However jumpy and hesitant I am, He never lets me drown.  Rather, He leads me by still waters.

His peace melts away all bitterness.

His peace brings about self-forgiveness.

His peace transcends all understanding.

In His peace,
LMB

Test the detestable

As I have been studying through the scriptures these past few weeks, I keep running across a certain word.  It is not a pretty word, nor is it pleasing to say.  I mean, it's one of those words that you say with a cringe, where all your muscles tighten up and you realize that you look like you are going into sudden paralysis while you are saying it so you quickly try to act natural and keep a straight face.  Maybe it's just me.

Detestable... oh.  I cringed.  But now I am back to normal since I am writing this is a public place (otherwise I would have made a disgusting face for a prolonged period of time).  Anyway, this word is not one that you would want someone else to describe you as.  I mean, it sounds bad enough the way it is, let alone with your name attached to it. "Most likely to succeed"- complimentary.  "Best all around- pleasant.  "Most detestable"- umm....

But, as God has so revealed to me throughout the descriptions engraved in the scriptures, that is exactly what I am.  Detestable!  Every single act of disobedience is detestable to God.  

They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good. -Titus 1:16

Stop bringing meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths and convocations--I cannot bear your evil assemblies. -Isaiah 1:13

As surely as I live, says the Sovereign Lord, I will cut you off completely. I will show you no pity at all because you have defiled my Temple with your vile images and detestable sin. -Ezekiel 5:11

Frightening?  Disappointing?  Shaming?

Invigorating.  This instills a desire in me to rid myself of the so detestable qualities that are prevalent in my heart.  How does one do this?  Surely not with my own strength.  Thus, a new prayer has been revealed to me by the gracious Lord.

As I have been praying this prayer for God to rid my heart of its detestable sins that are hidden amongst the deepest and most intricately woven veins of my heart, I have not only learned that He surely does answer (shocker), but that He has an intense way of answering.  I have been tested.  He is testing the detestable.

In order for me to become more like Him, the "Branch of the Lord...beautiful and glorious" (Isaiah 4:2) must pierce through my heart to burn out all of the detestable qualities it holds.  This sounds painful.  And it is.  But, like the cross, it is a beautiful pain.

(^props to a fabulous discipler for the above image)

So, when tests are thrown at you in every direction and your number two WOODEN pencil (please make connection to the "WOODEN" Branch of the Lord) is not sharpened and you forgot to study and you are panicking because you do not know the answer to the first question, do not become distraught.  The Lord is a loving God who only wants to have a relationship with you, who only wants to see you grow in Him, and who only wants to bring you closer to Him and farther from the world.  If your heart is full of disgusting, contaminated soil, how then will God be able to grow fruit in it?

Let Him test you!  Earthly pain is nothing compared to Spiritual intimacy.  It's overwhelming what He can do.

Love and wooden pencils,

LMB

An appropriate yet anti-cliché post

Well, seeing as how this is Valentine's Day, there is really only one thing this post can be about.  I mean, I guess it could be about sin and shame and death, but love is just so much more appropriate I feel like.  Maybe it's just me.  And maybe that will be all the sarcasm in this post...

God made me aware bright and early this morning that this is the first Valentine's Day where I actually viewed Him as my Love.  I know, that sounds terrible and shallow, as I should view Him as my Love every second of every day.  I guess it just never dawned on me.  It's all about perception, and not my eyes', but my heart's.  With that being said, I woke up quite joyful today.  How couldn't I be happy with the Maker of the Universe as my Valentine?  Best. Day. Ever.

And He loves me too.  More, actually.  Praise the One who loves someone like me, a lowly little sinner, never giving enough recognition to the Higher Power, never fully submitting myself to His wisdom, never restraining from disobedience, constantly failing, constantly trusting in the world over Him.  Well when I write it out like that... that HAS to be one big Love to cover all that nonsense.  Agape love--self-sacrificing, unconditional, thoughtful love.  Oh how it tackles me to the ground [insert mental image here].  Must I refer back to the hurricane-tree analogy?

I can never grasp such love as His, and the mystery of this divine intimacy leaves me on the balls of my feet, eyes wide open, excited, intoxicated.  Ah, what a day.  Most people do not enjoy Valentine's Day but when you have the Father of Love at your every motion, this day can be rather lovely (<pun).  Go on a date with God today!  Go get some coffee or a muffin with Him or something.  Put an empty chair across from you and let your Papa sit there with you.  Talk and smile and laugh with Him!

Maybe I'm the only weird one who talks to [earthly] empty chairs...

So be it!

Oh how marvelous He is!  I always rack my brain and try to sort through the file cabinet of my mind that contains bits and pieces of the Psalms and try to find words to describe how I feel about this Love of mine, this One I did not earn nor deserve, this Love that hung lifeless on a tree only to give life to me.  How can I even stand at the thought of such sanctity?  His love makes me melt.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:13
 

Love until it hurts.  That's what He did.  And are we not to strive to be like Him?

Love and love,

LMB

A stylistically serious post

Well, I'm not really sure what is going on (as I am not supposed to understand) BUT... God has been pouring out blessing after blessing over me!  I am not sure why, nor do I deserve it--DEFINITELY NOT--but it is indisputable and irrefutable.  It is incredible.

I have been striving for a fervent prayer life, one that is selfless and has genuine meaning.  I have had trouble with the whole having "too much to pray for and not enough time" excuse in the past and God has made it clear to me that I have to make some changes.  He wants to help me because He loves me so much.  He wants to see me be patient (which is super hard).  He wants me.  That's what He wants.

And what do you know, I want Him too.  My desire could never surpass His, though.  It could never be as big or as strong or as unconditional or as constant.  I will strive for Him because I am nothing and dried up and thirsty.  He is everything and beautiful and living water.  What a perfect combination.  God is a genius.

Back to prayer...  I have realized that I am only cheating myself when I don't pray.  I mean, if I want to see God do amazing things like I know He can, I will have to pray.  If I want to see God capture the people I love, I will have to pray. If I want to see my heart changed in radical and surprising ways, I will have to pray. God wants to see how much I am willing to do to act as an awed witness.  He wants to see how much I love the people I am praying for.  He wants to see how far I am willing to go to undergo transformation. "... pray without ceasing..."

How far am I willing to go?  How bad do I want it?  Do I really want to see this person come to Christ... or do I value my sleep a little more?  I'm ready to get costly.  I'm ready to give up something to spend time with my Everything.  I'm ready to see God show off.  Go 'head, God!

It is amazing how I can say the above so confidently, and yet fail so miserably.  God has answered three of my major prayers this past week, and it's like He won't stop.  And yet, I do.  I stop.  I let the world control me.  My own eyes have seen the Master's power and how He works and how He listens and He hears us every time and He says "I can do this" and it makes me wonder why I ever let things of the world come before the Almighty.  Only God knows how many things could have happened if I would have just said that one more prayer...

He can do anything.

This verse has been on my heart lately.  Mainly because I used to know it and love it but now I know it in a completely different way and love it because of the new revelations He has instilled in me.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  -Psalm 37:4

Previously, I would refer to this verse when I wanted something.  Selfish and detestable, I know.  I would always wonder how much delight I would have to put forth in order to attain my (quite often worldly) desire.  WRONG.

God has opened my eyes and revealed to me that when you are truly delighted in the Lord, your desires are His desires.  You want Him exclusively.  And He is kind of the complete package if you know what I'm saying.

You will desire to see this person come to Christ because that's what He desires.  You will desire to rid yourself of the world because that's what He desires.  You will desire a more intimate relationship with Him because... that's what He desires.

God has carved this prayer upon my heart that I now meditate on when I think of the above verse:

I will delight myself in You so that You will give me You because You are my desire.
 
LMB