I really thought that I would be a more faithful poster, but I am content with the status of my consistency (or lack thereof) because it is basically just another prayer answered. I asked God to create my words and to cease my fingers from moving if ever I tried to offer my own worldly wisdom. And so He has done it. Praise be to the Father in Heaven. Really. A lot has happened, my friends.
Please note that I am not studying Philosophy like I should be doing. Holy Spirit, I blame (thank) You.
If I could describe the past few weeks of my spiritual life in one word I would say jumpy. Not negatively connotated at all, for I have learned through this skittish phase that my eyes have undoubtedly been opened up to a completely new lesson. A lesson on peace.
I have recently caught myself writing/journaling to God noticing that I would cut corners or leave certain things out. I would begin to write a sentence that I know the Lord placed in my head, but would refrain. It is like I try to hide things from Him? Strange and bizarre, I know. And wow, it looks extra dumb when I write it out like this, but I trust that you readers are my friends...otherwise you wouldn't be reading this...unless your sole purpose is to pick apart the shortcomings of my writings...and if that is you, with your smirk of shame, please click the x in the top right hand corner of your screen, or your computer will spontaneously combust.
Just some passive-aggressive humor to keep you awake.
Anyway, in all seriousness, I have found myself resisting to write certain things out for God to read. I mean, I know He knows what's on my heart. Glory to the One who knows the innermost depths of my heart and loves me the exact same. He is matchless.
It is not always a matter of confessing, however it often is, but here lately it has been a matter of asking for help with things that are not desirable in their present state, like qualities about myself that I know I need help with, but dislike the grief that comes with consciousness of fault. I guess that's what self-awareness will do to you. But, there is also another part to this hesitation. It coincides with the consciousness of fault in that it is consciousness of faults of the past. There is a word in particular I am thinking of for this...
Memories. How glorious they are when they are good. Equally, how traumatizing they are when they are bad. Even writing that word creates a pit in my stomach, for I have in mind exactly the circumstances I have been withholding from my Savior. You know, those memories where the same emotions that were felt on that exact day hit you like a car crash at even just the slightest reminder of the what all went down.
Bitterness bubbles after a while.
Alas, for there is wonderful news! While our God is a Mighty God who is strong and swift and big and bold and other words in sets of two that start with the same letter, He is also a God of peace. He is a hurricane of love with an eye of peace. He is our Jehovah-Shalom, if we are throwing in some Hebrew.
I have read Psalm 23 my fair share of times. But when I read it last week, it just instilled a whole new vision in my heart. Lying down in green pastures with my Lord and Savior. With gentle breezes and cumulus clouds shaped like dinosaurs, talking about more than just the weather. What. A. Life.
How much peace is portrayed in that one passage! I long for the peace that only He can give. He is my Shepherd. I shall not want anything more than time spent with Him.
However jumpy and hesitant I am, He never lets me drown. Rather, He leads me by still waters.
His peace melts away all bitterness.
His peace brings about self-forgiveness.
His peace transcends all understanding.
In His peace,
LMB
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