Dueces, homie

I really thought that I would be a more faithful poster, but I am content with the status of my consistency (or lack thereof) because it is basically just another prayer answered.  I asked God to create my words and to cease my fingers from moving if ever I tried to offer my own worldly wisdom.  And so He has done it.  Praise be to the Father in Heaven.  Really.  A lot has happened, my friends.

Please note that I am not studying Philosophy like I should be doing.  Holy Spirit, I blame (thank) You.

If I could describe the past few weeks of my spiritual life in one word I would say jumpy.  Not negatively connotated at all, for I have learned through this skittish phase that my eyes have undoubtedly been opened up to a completely new lesson.  A lesson on peace.

I have recently caught myself writing/journaling to God noticing that I would cut corners or leave certain things out.  I would begin to write a sentence that I know the Lord placed in my head, but would refrain.  It is like I try to hide things from Him?  Strange and bizarre, I know.  And wow, it looks extra dumb when I write it out like this, but I trust that you readers are my friends...otherwise you wouldn't be reading this...unless your sole purpose is to pick apart the shortcomings of my writings...and if that is you, with your smirk of shame, please click the x in the top right hand corner of your screen, or your computer will spontaneously combust.

Just some passive-aggressive humor to keep you awake.

Anyway, in all seriousness, I have found myself resisting to write certain things out for God to read.  I mean, I know He knows what's on my heart.  Glory to the One who knows the innermost depths of my heart and loves me the exact same.  He is matchless.

It is not always a matter of confessing, however it often is, but here lately it has been a matter of asking for help with things that are not desirable in their present state, like qualities about myself that I know I need help with, but dislike the grief that comes with consciousness of fault.  I guess that's what self-awareness will do to you.  But, there is also another part to this hesitation.  It coincides with the consciousness of fault in that it is consciousness of faults of the past.  There is a word in particular I am thinking of for this...

Memories.  How glorious they are when they are good.  Equally, how traumatizing they are when they are bad.  Even writing that word creates a pit in my stomach, for I have in mind exactly the circumstances I have been withholding from my Savior.  You know, those memories where the same emotions that were felt on that exact day hit you like a car crash at even just the slightest reminder of the what all went down.

Bitterness bubbles after a while.

Alas, for there is wonderful news!  While our God is a Mighty God who is strong and swift and big and bold and other words in sets of two that start with the same letter, He is also a God of peace.  He is a hurricane of love with an eye of peace.  He is our Jehovah-Shalom, if we are throwing in some Hebrew.

I have read Psalm 23 my fair share of times.  But when I read it last week, it just instilled a whole new vision in my heart.  Lying down in green pastures with my Lord and Savior.  With gentle breezes and cumulus clouds shaped like dinosaurs, talking about more than just the weather.  What. A. Life.

How much peace is portrayed in that one passage!  I long for the peace that only He can give.  He is my Shepherd.  I shall not want anything more than time spent with Him.

However jumpy and hesitant I am, He never lets me drown.  Rather, He leads me by still waters.

His peace melts away all bitterness.

His peace brings about self-forgiveness.

His peace transcends all understanding.

In His peace,
LMB

Test the detestable

As I have been studying through the scriptures these past few weeks, I keep running across a certain word.  It is not a pretty word, nor is it pleasing to say.  I mean, it's one of those words that you say with a cringe, where all your muscles tighten up and you realize that you look like you are going into sudden paralysis while you are saying it so you quickly try to act natural and keep a straight face.  Maybe it's just me.

Detestable... oh.  I cringed.  But now I am back to normal since I am writing this is a public place (otherwise I would have made a disgusting face for a prolonged period of time).  Anyway, this word is not one that you would want someone else to describe you as.  I mean, it sounds bad enough the way it is, let alone with your name attached to it. "Most likely to succeed"- complimentary.  "Best all around- pleasant.  "Most detestable"- umm....

But, as God has so revealed to me throughout the descriptions engraved in the scriptures, that is exactly what I am.  Detestable!  Every single act of disobedience is detestable to God.  

They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good. -Titus 1:16

Stop bringing meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths and convocations--I cannot bear your evil assemblies. -Isaiah 1:13

As surely as I live, says the Sovereign Lord, I will cut you off completely. I will show you no pity at all because you have defiled my Temple with your vile images and detestable sin. -Ezekiel 5:11

Frightening?  Disappointing?  Shaming?

Invigorating.  This instills a desire in me to rid myself of the so detestable qualities that are prevalent in my heart.  How does one do this?  Surely not with my own strength.  Thus, a new prayer has been revealed to me by the gracious Lord.

As I have been praying this prayer for God to rid my heart of its detestable sins that are hidden amongst the deepest and most intricately woven veins of my heart, I have not only learned that He surely does answer (shocker), but that He has an intense way of answering.  I have been tested.  He is testing the detestable.

In order for me to become more like Him, the "Branch of the Lord...beautiful and glorious" (Isaiah 4:2) must pierce through my heart to burn out all of the detestable qualities it holds.  This sounds painful.  And it is.  But, like the cross, it is a beautiful pain.

(^props to a fabulous discipler for the above image)

So, when tests are thrown at you in every direction and your number two WOODEN pencil (please make connection to the "WOODEN" Branch of the Lord) is not sharpened and you forgot to study and you are panicking because you do not know the answer to the first question, do not become distraught.  The Lord is a loving God who only wants to have a relationship with you, who only wants to see you grow in Him, and who only wants to bring you closer to Him and farther from the world.  If your heart is full of disgusting, contaminated soil, how then will God be able to grow fruit in it?

Let Him test you!  Earthly pain is nothing compared to Spiritual intimacy.  It's overwhelming what He can do.

Love and wooden pencils,

LMB

An appropriate yet anti-cliché post

Well, seeing as how this is Valentine's Day, there is really only one thing this post can be about.  I mean, I guess it could be about sin and shame and death, but love is just so much more appropriate I feel like.  Maybe it's just me.  And maybe that will be all the sarcasm in this post...

God made me aware bright and early this morning that this is the first Valentine's Day where I actually viewed Him as my Love.  I know, that sounds terrible and shallow, as I should view Him as my Love every second of every day.  I guess it just never dawned on me.  It's all about perception, and not my eyes', but my heart's.  With that being said, I woke up quite joyful today.  How couldn't I be happy with the Maker of the Universe as my Valentine?  Best. Day. Ever.

And He loves me too.  More, actually.  Praise the One who loves someone like me, a lowly little sinner, never giving enough recognition to the Higher Power, never fully submitting myself to His wisdom, never restraining from disobedience, constantly failing, constantly trusting in the world over Him.  Well when I write it out like that... that HAS to be one big Love to cover all that nonsense.  Agape love--self-sacrificing, unconditional, thoughtful love.  Oh how it tackles me to the ground [insert mental image here].  Must I refer back to the hurricane-tree analogy?

I can never grasp such love as His, and the mystery of this divine intimacy leaves me on the balls of my feet, eyes wide open, excited, intoxicated.  Ah, what a day.  Most people do not enjoy Valentine's Day but when you have the Father of Love at your every motion, this day can be rather lovely (<pun).  Go on a date with God today!  Go get some coffee or a muffin with Him or something.  Put an empty chair across from you and let your Papa sit there with you.  Talk and smile and laugh with Him!

Maybe I'm the only weird one who talks to [earthly] empty chairs...

So be it!

Oh how marvelous He is!  I always rack my brain and try to sort through the file cabinet of my mind that contains bits and pieces of the Psalms and try to find words to describe how I feel about this Love of mine, this One I did not earn nor deserve, this Love that hung lifeless on a tree only to give life to me.  How can I even stand at the thought of such sanctity?  His love makes me melt.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:13
 

Love until it hurts.  That's what He did.  And are we not to strive to be like Him?

Love and love,

LMB

A stylistically serious post

Well, I'm not really sure what is going on (as I am not supposed to understand) BUT... God has been pouring out blessing after blessing over me!  I am not sure why, nor do I deserve it--DEFINITELY NOT--but it is indisputable and irrefutable.  It is incredible.

I have been striving for a fervent prayer life, one that is selfless and has genuine meaning.  I have had trouble with the whole having "too much to pray for and not enough time" excuse in the past and God has made it clear to me that I have to make some changes.  He wants to help me because He loves me so much.  He wants to see me be patient (which is super hard).  He wants me.  That's what He wants.

And what do you know, I want Him too.  My desire could never surpass His, though.  It could never be as big or as strong or as unconditional or as constant.  I will strive for Him because I am nothing and dried up and thirsty.  He is everything and beautiful and living water.  What a perfect combination.  God is a genius.

Back to prayer...  I have realized that I am only cheating myself when I don't pray.  I mean, if I want to see God do amazing things like I know He can, I will have to pray.  If I want to see God capture the people I love, I will have to pray. If I want to see my heart changed in radical and surprising ways, I will have to pray. God wants to see how much I am willing to do to act as an awed witness.  He wants to see how much I love the people I am praying for.  He wants to see how far I am willing to go to undergo transformation. "... pray without ceasing..."

How far am I willing to go?  How bad do I want it?  Do I really want to see this person come to Christ... or do I value my sleep a little more?  I'm ready to get costly.  I'm ready to give up something to spend time with my Everything.  I'm ready to see God show off.  Go 'head, God!

It is amazing how I can say the above so confidently, and yet fail so miserably.  God has answered three of my major prayers this past week, and it's like He won't stop.  And yet, I do.  I stop.  I let the world control me.  My own eyes have seen the Master's power and how He works and how He listens and He hears us every time and He says "I can do this" and it makes me wonder why I ever let things of the world come before the Almighty.  Only God knows how many things could have happened if I would have just said that one more prayer...

He can do anything.

This verse has been on my heart lately.  Mainly because I used to know it and love it but now I know it in a completely different way and love it because of the new revelations He has instilled in me.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  -Psalm 37:4

Previously, I would refer to this verse when I wanted something.  Selfish and detestable, I know.  I would always wonder how much delight I would have to put forth in order to attain my (quite often worldly) desire.  WRONG.

God has opened my eyes and revealed to me that when you are truly delighted in the Lord, your desires are His desires.  You want Him exclusively.  And He is kind of the complete package if you know what I'm saying.

You will desire to see this person come to Christ because that's what He desires.  You will desire to rid yourself of the world because that's what He desires.  You will desire a more intimate relationship with Him because... that's what He desires.

God has carved this prayer upon my heart that I now meditate on when I think of the above verse:

I will delight myself in You so that You will give me You because You are my desire.
 
LMB