To seek and find

Life has been crazy, what with being back at school and all.  I managed to sit back the other day just to slow life down and ponder a bit and it dawned on me that my life changed dramatically within a few hours time.  One week I am at home, surrounded by one group of people--learning from them, sharing with them, loving and being loved by them... and the next I am in a completely different place with completely different people.  New opportunities.  New hearts.  New surroundings.  Same God.

It strikes me as a bit bittersweet knowing that I have had to leave behind the youth I helped with this summer, yet that is only the selfish part of me that just wants to hug them and love them forever.  It hit me like one of those solid punches from a brother (and trust me, I've had plenty of them) that there are completely new faces I will see here--all of those which God has placed directly in my line of vision.  They are beautiful faces, indeed.

I would dare to say that I am excited to take this challenge, take everything I have learned from this summer and apply it here, in this new environment.  I would also dare to say that this is not going to be easy.  The war has kicked into full force, already.

It is absolutely mind-blowing to think that everything I have been praying toward--a new school year, new people in which to invest, new problems, new praises, new learning experiences, newness galore-- it is all here.  It is all placed right before my eyes and now I am forced to no longer "just" pray.  Now I have to add in the activeness, the receptivity of the Holy Spirit--leading me, guiding me step by step, the intentionality, the humility, the everything that seems so complex but that all stems from the simplicity that is the gospel.

I know, this is really jumbled.

It is here, it is now.  I have been sent as a disciple of Christ to make disciples and that involves that difficult yet important balance of letting them truly see Jesus for themselves, just slightly nudging them along the way, the kind of nudge that implies force and desire and passion for them to reach toward and grasp something, while still retaining that gentleness and love and brokenness that says, "I cannot do this for you.  Because I love you, I cannot do this for you."

I have never been good with transitions and this year is a little different because while I am still struggling, I am  simultaneously recognizing my desire to still have Him as my center and focus for each and every second of each and every day and when I fail to keep my eyes on Him, rather than give up like in the past, I can hear His voice whispering, "Keep seeking me."

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water. -Psalm 63:1

God is so clearly revealing to me so far this school year that I am undeniably desperate for Him.  I want Him and when I do not want Him I want to want Him.  I am absolutely nothing without Him; I have nothing even when I think I have everything. When my thoughts are not completely consumed by Him, when I wake in the morning and the first thing I think about is not Him, I want Him.  I want more of Him and it's in this beautiful and supernatural and ancient moment, my wants and needs collide.  That is what the love of Christ does.

The irony of all this is that on Friday night, I was privileged to take part in a very intense worship experience with a group called Hillsong United.  I got to see the youth group I helped with this summer, and I was overcome and-- right now just writing about it makes my knees almost beg me to collapse all my weight upon them--overwhelmed at some of the things they literally ran up to me and told me that God was doing in their lives and when I say ran I mean the literal and physical act of running.  The kind of running that is compelled by excitement, the kind of excitement that is compelled by the Holy Spirit. One of the youth didn't even give me a "Hey, how are you?"  It was more like a "Oh my gosh Lou I have to much to tell you!"  All their eyes shined and glistened the presence and pure joy of God and at the risk of sounding very creepy, I loved staring at them as they spoke.

Getting back to the irony part, this whole week I have been struggling to just "find" God and really fix my eyes upon Him instead of upon every action that is for Him.  That verse above, Psalm 63:1, has been my main meditation this week and it's one of those things you think about and pray for and earnestly desire for God to take control of, yet it still has that kind of dry yearning feeling that makes you plead, that good kind of confusion that makes you wonder where God is and why you are looking for Him in the first place.  It's that kind of uncomfortableness that calls for a Comforter.  That kind of brokenness that calls for desperate dependency on the one true God.

Really, getting back to the irony part, at this concert, the worship was so powerful and the focus was so God centered (as all worship should be) that it was almost impossible to think about anything else but the Creator of thoughts themselves.  I caught myself having to pray at the beginning for focus and while doing so I realized that I was desperate for Him, I was seeking Him.  My body longed for Him and my soul was thirsty for Him like a dry and weary land where there is no water and by the end of the worship service, though His living water was rushing through me, I realized that my throat was even drier than before I had come in.

I had basically been screaming.  There is this one song called "With Everything" and every time I sing it I end up doing the whole "complete body worship experience" (which kind of sounds like a work-out plan).  You know, the whole face turning red, standing on your tip-toes as if to get your voice a little louder, using every ounce of energy within you just to worship and proclaim the name of the One who provides you with that very energy in the first place.  

I have a rather sensitive voice.  My throat was shot.  And the funny thing is, my praise didn't even scratch (no pun intended) the surface of how worthy He really is.

Look how cool (that's the only word I could fit here) this scripture ties in:

I seek Him, long for Him, thirst for Him--Psalm 63:1.

..............................................................

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. -Psalm 63:5

I seek Him and find Him, so therefore I praise Him--Psalm 63:5.

With everything, with everything,

We will shout for your glory.

With everything, with everything,

We will shout forth your praise.

LMB

Summing Up Summer

I am back at school and all moved in and I would venture to say that I am excited and ready to see what God has in store for me this year.  I usually like to close things off when they are over, which really makes little to no sense.  By that, I mean that since summer is over I would usually write a whole lot about how wonderful it was and how it is over and things of the like and kind of close it up and move on.  But, I learned so much this summer, that it would be foolish of me to put all that God has taught me in a box and hide it under my bed.  Plus, I don't have room in my dorm for that.

So, this post is going to sum up the most prevalent things that God has taught me this summer, without shoving this season of my life into a journal and throwing it on a shelf and forgetting about it.


When seasons move from one to the next, trees don't all of a sudden go away, they just change the way they look...


God has changed the way I look.  Well, my heart, really.  I am going to share with you some major things that God has done to me and taught me this summer and I am going to do it in list form to aid with organization and clarity.  And because maybe I don't want you to fall asleep while reading this.  They are not listed in order of importance or bigness or anything.  God doesn't do anything not big.

1.  Reject Passivity and Be Active
         This summer, God really opened up my eyes to see that I was living a passive life.  I was letting things, opportunities, even potential relationships with people pass me by with the hopes that they would come to me.  I was not pursuing others like heaven and hell was real and I was content with the lazy attitude that someone else would come along.  Now I know that the life of a Christ-follower is not a passive life.  We must be active.

2.  Wake Up and Live
          I talked about this the entire last post, but it really is something that God has drilled into me this summer.  He woke me up and made me realize that as long and He is alive, I am to be alive in and through Him.  Sometimes I would live like our God was dead, but oh, He is surely alive.  Revival is coming, I can feel it.

3.  Be Intentional
         This summer was the first time I have ever been blatantly intentional in my relationships with others.  I know that sounds bad, but I am not ashamed to admit it because then I can tell you how awesome my Redeemer is for changing my heart in that aspect.  I have learned that breakfast dates, genuine concern, and even just an open ear to others can open up so many doors.  We can be intentional with small things like our smiles.  Sometimes I think God does that to me.

4.  The War Is Constant Yet Conquerable
          I experienced so much spiritual warfare this summer, more than ever before, but I can confidently say that I learned to let God drag me to victory if He had to.  Having Him hold me and be my Commander and Comforter at the same time formed a bond between us that I could never ask against.  If I get closer to my Heavenly Father because of the war, then I am more than willing to endure the war.  It's kind of like jumping through hoops of fire...

5.  Focus on Him at All Times
          This summer I was so focused on doing everything that I was supposed to be doing for God and the kingdom that sometimes I lost focus of Him in His actual essence.  He taught me how detrimental it is to get caught up in focusing on doing or roles in religious organizations or even the intentional relationships themselves instead of being focused on the Father Himself.  We lose so much intimacy when we do not spend time with the Creator of it.

6.  Receptivity of the Holy Spirit at the Present Time
          I am at the age right now where the whole "What am I going to do with my life?" thing is so obnoxiously present that I realized I would sometimes dwell on that question before I would consider "What does the Holy Spirit want me to do right now?"  Francis Chan even says in Forgotten God that how we let the Holy Spirit work in us at the current time usually affects where the rest of our lives are headed anyway.

7.  God's Plans are So Intricate and Infinite
        This one is funny today because this morning in my quiet time, God actually revealed to me how something that happened two months ago is being used right now.  And without going into an extensive explanation, this whole summer was pretty much bootcamp preparation for this school year--and that is so mercifully obvious. And I love it and love Him for being so perfect.

8.  Embrace Vulnerability and Brokeness
        God has shown me time and time again that it is okay to be vulnerable with Him.  Hiding things from Him will never help.  With spilling out the very depths of our hearts to Him comes the massive realization of how broken we really are.  These cracks in our souls can only be filled with the bonding power of Christ.  His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

9.  Go On Adventures With God
        This life poses so many opportunities, so many open areas, so many lost people.  There are cliffs to dive off and glowing bays in which to jump.  There are unexpected friends to be made and surprising places to be explored.  There are mountains to be hiked and battlegrounds to be triumphed.  And there is a God with whom to do it all.

This is what God has taught me this summer.  Not all of it; I am sure that this list will be randomly added to as He jogs my memory and makes me smile in the most random places with His unexpected revelations.  As I start my sophomore year at college, these goals are coming with me.  Without dwelling on all that happened this summer and all the people I miss and how much I wish there was a rewind button so that I could experience it all over again, I am going to carry these lessons with me.  I am going to move on to where I have been called and embrace these gracious gifts and use them the way that God wants me to use them.  I may be moving seasons, but my God has not moved yet.

LMB

Diving Deep

The summer is almost over.  Today starts my last official week in Shelby.  How crazy.  Words cannot describe all that God has done this summer, but as usual, I am going to try anyway.

This post is going to attempt to put down into words what I talked about last night.  If you were there, you know what I am talking about (if you paid attention), but if you were not, you are now in an awkward situation where you are wondering what I am referring to and why you were not at the best youth service ever.

I have had the privilege to spend my summer with a beautiful group of young people.  We've hiked mountains, ate random lunches together, hammocked more times than I can even keep up with, went cliff-jumping, and I would even say that some of my favorite moments with them have been those little God-given conversations that pop up at the most unexpected times in the most unexpected places, like Dairy Queen or in a parking lot.  Moments like that make my heart smile.

Last night was the service where the youth share about all of their experiences and what they have learned this summer and how they have grown and all of that great, great stuff that makes me melt when I even think about it.  The theme for the summer was "Diving Deep," and I don't know about them, but this summer I may have dove deeper with God than I ever have before.  And I am not even a good swimmer.

It was a night full of youth-led worship, testimonies that included life-changing circumstances and many calls to ministry and missions, slideshows that make you want to cry and laugh at the same time, and so much Holy Spirit in the air that you feel like your heart is going to explode... and you are okay with it.  My twin brother and I got the privilege to speak together at the end, and a week ago when I started to really pray about what I was going to share and how God has really worked in my life this summer, God made it almost scarily clear as to what He wanted me to say.

Now I am no public speaker, so God got pounded with my prayers for comfort and lack of nervousness and humility and emptiness and that light, almost out of body, feeling where words you could never come up with start flowing from your mouth and you realize it has to be the Holy Spirit because there is no way you could ever be that eloquent.  Especially us hurr in tha south.

When I first got home for summer, I had a really sour attitude (there is even blog proof of it). I was constantly crying out to God as to why I was stuck in Shelby, not that I do not love Shelby, but what exactly was here for me?  I murmured and sulked and grieved over the fact that I had yet to find any reason for my summer at home.  I knew, though, that I was supposed to be here for some reason, because I had prayed a lot about it and God's voice was very clear to me that Shelby was where He wanted me.  So, there I was and here I have been.

On May 19, I was studying my bible and you know when scripture just jumps out at you.  This one leaped at me and pounced on top of me and I might have been trying to study the scriptures, but this scripture was studying me.

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14

God was really on me about this. Wake up, Lou!  Look around; look at what I have provided for you here!  Rise from the dead!  Live like I am alive, because I am.  And I want to shine on you.  It was like He was dramatically pouring cold water over me to wake me up and it woke me up alright.  And God's sense of humor is so hilarious, because I have now converted to a morning person.  Literally, out of no where I have started waking up much, much earlier than usual and loving it--cherishing that extra intimate time with Him that is so new and fresh to me and appreciating the beauty and quietness and stillness of the morning.  Not to mention, many coffee and breakfast dates with the youth.  God, You are so funny.

The phrase God has been drilling in my head this summer is: Refuse to be passive.  Refuse to sit idly by and wait and watch everything that you could be doing for the kingdom pass by because you are sitting and waiting for someone else or something else and sulking over where you could be or what you could be doing and wake up and look around you!  Wake up!  This is what has been provided for you, Lou.  These youth are why you are here!  Stop sitting on the sidelines.  Refuse to be passive!  Rise from the dead and I promise you I will shine on you.

And He did.

Being "intentional" is something I would hear a lot about and pray a lot about but never really have the boldness or spiritual energy to do.  Now that God has shaken me from my slumber, He has pushed me, and I mean really pushed me to be intentional with my relationships.  It's mind-blowing to think about how much He has escalated this.  It started out with a few simple conversations with the youth that turned into random lunch dates that turned into really intense conversations that turned into jumping off of cliffs with people I had just met.  You can use that last one metaphorically or literally.

One of the best things about being spiritually awake is that my eyes have become wider and I am seeing things that I have never seen before.  These youth have taught me so much about passion and about authenticity and simplicity and love.  They have brought the congregation to tears on Sunday mornings when they stand up during songs and raise their hands and worship.  One Sunday, the youth stood up during a song and the entire congregation started standing up after them.  Talk about symbolic.  They have taught me so much about my age:  I will only be a college student once, so I must to embrace it!  I will only be old enough for them to look up to but young enough for them to feel comfortable confiding in for a certain period of time, so I must refuse to let that go to waste.

This summer was different because I have just finished my first year in college and I have grown so much in ways that I could never have even fathomed.  I look back at all of those special people who have poured into me and who keep pouring into me and this summer God really showed me that it is my turn.  I have tried to pour out my heart to those youth and share with them the love of Christ that has been so lavished on me and the best part about all of this is having youth come up to me saying, "Lou, me and this [younger] person got really close at camp and..." and "Yeah, this person doesn't really have anyone her age in the youth group so I really tried to pour into her and love her at camp, which is something I have never really done before."  TRUE STATEMENTS, my friends.  Oh, I could write so much more about it!  Christ pouring into all of us, then one person pours into someone, who pours into someone else, who pours into someone me, who pours into someone else, WHO POURS INTO SOMEONE ELSE and it could go on and on forever and I pray with all my heart that it does.

This makes me excited if you can't tell.

God has really redeemed me this summer and I have caught myself using that word a lot here lately but that is because it is so true.  He has carried me, drug me across the floor even sometimes, but He has never let go of me.  My heart has been turned upside down and my eyes have not only been opened, they have been refocused.  What was I looking for?  A way out?  Things to do to help me feel like I was "doing" something?  What was I really seeking?

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. -Matthew 6:33

I feel like I could substitute "all these things" with "Elizabeth Baptist youth" or "relationships I cannot even fathom" or "conversations I would have never dreamed of having."

Or, "new brothers and sisters."

Refuse to dive in the shallow end.

Refuse to dive alone.

Refuse to refuse the dive.

LMB