It strikes me as a bit bittersweet knowing that I have had to leave behind the youth I helped with this summer, yet that is only the selfish part of me that just wants to hug them and love them forever. It hit me like one of those solid punches from a brother (and trust me, I've had plenty of them) that there are completely new faces I will see here--all of those which God has placed directly in my line of vision. They are beautiful faces, indeed.
I would dare to say that I am excited to take this challenge, take everything I have learned from this summer and apply it here, in this new environment. I would also dare to say that this is not going to be easy. The war has kicked into full force, already.
It is absolutely mind-blowing to think that everything I have been praying toward--a new school year, new people in which to invest, new problems, new praises, new learning experiences, newness galore-- it is all here. It is all placed right before my eyes and now I am forced to no longer "just" pray. Now I have to add in the activeness, the receptivity of the Holy Spirit--leading me, guiding me step by step, the intentionality, the humility, the everything that seems so complex but that all stems from the simplicity that is the gospel.
I know, this is really jumbled.
It is here, it is now. I have been sent as a disciple of Christ to make disciples and that involves that difficult yet important balance of letting them truly see Jesus for themselves, just slightly nudging them along the way, the kind of nudge that implies force and desire and passion for them to reach toward and grasp something, while still retaining that gentleness and love and brokenness that says, "I cannot do this for you. Because I love you, I cannot do this for you."
I have never been good with transitions and this year is a little different because while I am still struggling, I am simultaneously recognizing my desire to still have Him as my center and focus for each and every second of each and every day and when I fail to keep my eyes on Him, rather than give up like in the past, I can hear His voice whispering, "Keep seeking me."
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water. -Psalm 63:1
God is so clearly revealing to me so far this school year that I am undeniably desperate for Him. I want Him and when I do not want Him I want to want Him. I am absolutely nothing without Him; I have nothing even when I think I have everything. When my thoughts are not completely consumed by Him, when I wake in the morning and the first thing I think about is not Him, I want Him. I want more of Him and it's in this beautiful and supernatural and ancient moment, my wants and needs collide. That is what the love of Christ does.
The irony of all this is that on Friday night, I was privileged to take part in a very intense worship experience with a group called Hillsong United. I got to see the youth group I helped with this summer, and I was overcome and-- right now just writing about it makes my knees almost beg me to collapse all my weight upon them--overwhelmed at some of the things they literally ran up to me and told me that God was doing in their lives and when I say ran I mean the literal and physical act of running. The kind of running that is compelled by excitement, the kind of excitement that is compelled by the Holy Spirit. One of the youth didn't even give me a "Hey, how are you?" It was more like a "Oh my gosh Lou I have to much to tell you!" All their eyes shined and glistened the presence and pure joy of God and at the risk of sounding very creepy, I loved staring at them as they spoke.
Getting back to the irony part, this whole week I have been struggling to just "find" God and really fix my eyes upon Him instead of upon every action that is for Him. That verse above, Psalm 63:1, has been my main meditation this week and it's one of those things you think about and pray for and earnestly desire for God to take control of, yet it still has that kind of dry yearning feeling that makes you plead, that good kind of confusion that makes you wonder where God is and why you are looking for Him in the first place. It's that kind of uncomfortableness that calls for a Comforter. That kind of brokenness that calls for desperate dependency on the one true God.
Really, getting back to the irony part, at this concert, the worship was so powerful and the focus was so God centered (as all worship should be) that it was almost impossible to think about anything else but the Creator of thoughts themselves. I caught myself having to pray at the beginning for focus and while doing so I realized that I was desperate for Him, I was seeking Him. My body longed for Him and my soul was thirsty for Him like a dry and weary land where there is no water and by the end of the worship service, though His living water was rushing through me, I realized that my throat was even drier than before I had come in.
I had basically been screaming. There is this one song called "With Everything" and every time I sing it I end up doing the whole "complete body worship experience" (which kind of sounds like a work-out plan). You know, the whole face turning red, standing on your tip-toes as if to get your voice a little louder, using every ounce of energy within you just to worship and proclaim the name of the One who provides you with that very energy in the first place.
I have a rather sensitive voice. My throat was shot. And the funny thing is, my praise didn't even scratch (no pun intended) the surface of how worthy He really is.
Look how cool (that's the only word I could fit here) this scripture ties in:
I seek Him, long for Him, thirst for Him--Psalm 63:1.
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My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. -Psalm 63:5
I seek Him and find Him, so therefore I praise Him--Psalm 63:5.
We will shout for your glory.
With everything, with everything,
We will shout forth your praise.
LMB
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