Questions

Last summer, I knew I had been appointed to lead a bible study of freshmen girls the coming year.  So, I started praying.  I prayed for them and I didn't know them.  I prayed for the love of God to sink deep into their hearts.  I prayed that girls would come.  And one day I was praying and I couldn't tell you why I said what I said.

"God, I pray for that one girl who is thinking about not coming, the girl who is torn and who is on the verge of not coming but isn't sure.  Just make her come."

I had no idea why those words came out of my mouth.  I don't know why I prayed that.  And for a few days I tried to shake that prayer and push past it with other prayers for my bible study.  But somehow it kept coming up.  I was confused.  But I prayed it anyway.

I probably prayed that prayer for about a month, up until school started back.  I felt a little weird every time I prayed it.  And then bible study started and so new, different prayers took over for girls I actually knew by name and for faces I could actually see.

That was a year.  A whole year.  Last Thursday, I was eating lunch with a precious girl in my bible study.  My car was all packed up and literally right after lunch, I was making the 3 and a half hour drive back home for the summer.  We talked about the past year and about the year to come.  She is leading a bible study starting in the fall, so she was asking me what kind of things to pray for her soon to be girls.

"What kind of prayers did you pray for us?"

I told her the main prayers and then I laughed and told her about that prayer, the one the Spirit kept bringing up about the girl who was thinking about coming but wasn't sure if she wanted to or not.

It was her.

I am pretty sure I about threw my sandwich across the dining hall when we both realized that she was that girl.  She had told me before about how it took some praying and convincing from her mom to come back to bible study after the first time or two of coming.  She wasn't going to come back.  But then she did.  She just did.

I smile as I write this because I had so many questions and doubts about that prayer.  Why, why would I pray that weird prayer?

That's why.

And this prayer isn't over.  This girl is about to pour into the hearts of her own little freshmen that God has appointed for her.  The Spirit knew what He was praying even if I didn't.

Don't just pray to God, pray with God.

How sweet it is to stare into the face of an answered prayer.

I wish I could say that I am done questioning what God does.  I long to embrace the mystery set forth to me, to stop worrying about how it doesn't make sense or how I could spend my time doing something else or praying something else.  I want to welcome questions, not push past them for answers.

In a recent book I read, Pastor Bill Johnson says this:

"If your encounters with God don't leave you with more questions than when you started, then you have had an inferior encounter."

Strong statement.  But if we truly come in contact with God, won't we leave awed, changed?  Won't we wonder?  Or will we just know Him--all about Him, everything there is to know?  If we knew everything about God, He wouldn't be much of a God.  Questions about who God is or what He is doing are absolutely wonderful, wonderful gifts.

That's our communion.  That is life--to live with this supernatural Being who has an infinite number attributes that we get to learn and unending glory that we get to discover.  That is revelation.  That is beauty.

But what about those unexplained times that are not so sweet?  Those times where you have prayed every prayer and read every verse that is set in front of you, you have obeyed everything you feel like God has called you to, you have prayed in power with the Spirit.  You have done everything "right."  And yet you still don't have an answer.  You still don't get it.

I have learned a lot about this.  And I am not finished learning.  Because this will be my whole life.  Not knowing.  Not ever knowing why things happen--but trusting.  I wouldn't need trust if I knew how everything was going to go.  Life with questions is a fun, fun life.  Because those questions mean trusting God.  And trusting God means knowing God.  And knowing God, well, there aren't many words to describe how absolutely marvelous that is.

Sometimes it's about the questions, not the answers.  Sometimes it's about seeking the answer and not so much about finding it.

That's a hard one.

The mystery of God is a sweet one.  It's one that will leave us with all of these things in our head that make no sense.  I can't tell you how often I have to use the word conflicted.  "God, I am just so conflicted about this because I don't understand how I can feel both of these things"  or "Why does this situation leave me so conflicted?" or the all too often "I AM CONFLICTED BECAUSE I AM CONFUSED."

Sometimes I act like I know everything.
Sometimes I like to "figure God out."
And that's just not possible.

But out of all these questions, there is always one answer: Jesus.  When we don't understand and our hearts are torn apart from the confliction and confusion and we are tired, so, so tired from doing everything we think will get us an answer, when we chase after God like our lives depend on it and we lay it all out, interceding for these other people we love so dearly and we throw ourselves at the foot of the throne just for that one answered prayer, that one answer... and we see nothing.  Exhausted and confused.  But still in love.

Our love for Christ must come in front of our need for an answer.

God answers all of our questions, no matter how complex or silly or hard with His own question:

"Will you take my love?"

When we don't understand, let's chose Him.  Let's take His love.  Yes, I would still love to have it all figured out.  I want to know what He is doing.  Sometimes, He will tell me, show me.  And other times I will be left throwing my hands up in the air saying, "What could You possibly be doing right now?"  But no matter how many answers I don't have, I will always have Jesus.

Always.
No questions asked.

LMB