Sunday, January 30, 2011

Awareness and alliteration

There is this really sweet prayer that has somehow gone undiscovered in my life until now.  And praise God for revelation because it is surely a good one.  I mean, it has enlightened me in so many ways already and I seriously JUST started praying it.  As undeserving as I am for being blessed to witness His almighty goodness of simply an answered prayer (which He can do with one hand behind his back, upside down, on days that don't end in "y", [insert cheesy restriction here], etc.), I am intrigued with letting God show off.  I mean, my God is legit.  My Papa don't play.  Okay, I hope I built up some suspense.

Well basically, I have recently been introduced to the prayer of self-awareness.  I decided to start praying for this because He has completely captured my heart in such a way that I will strive to live an unhindered and obedient life at all costs. I will fail, because I am not perfect because I am flesh and not God and I will fail.  My failures are my lessons, and my lessons are only lessons if they are made aware to me that I am learning something from them.  Catch that?  Basically, Satan is continuously planting thoughts into our heads that make us justify what we are doing, thinking about, wanting to do, whatever, that may not be of God as okay because of this excuse or that overlooked status quo.  By praying for self-awareness, I am basically saying:

God help me to know when I am sinning and when Satan is attacking my thoughts and make me realize how to stop it.

Sometimes (a lot) I compartmentalize my sin and make it glamorous by adding "but" and "because" to my explanations as to why I am doing something.  As if adding more of Satan's deception to something is going to make it prettier.  Yeah, okay.

With my newly found and awesome prayer, might I add, I have already caught myself in the act of sinning.  The most prominent of this type concerning my thoughts.  If I think about anything, and I mean anything, more than or with higher regard to how I think about Jesus, it has got to go.  So when I would start to think about how I want (<bad) something to work or how I would do something, or perhaps even more vulnerable and displeasing thoughts, I would just let it build up until I am no longer living in my heart (where Jesus resides), but in my head.  No me gusta.

Radical transformation/ God's grace of answered prayers:  This past week when I had started thinking about whatever it was that was a barrier between me and God I seriously heard things like "Stop" or "Think about me instead" in my head.  It is absolutely ridiculously awesome.  And some of this is some of the exact same stuff that I used to glamorize and let build up, but now, He is stopping it at its root!  Who else can do this?  Who else is like the Lord?

In addition to this new wisdom that He has instilled in me by His graciousness, this prayer has also been answered in the form of recognized pride (which yes, is a sin, so am I not just being redundant? but it is highly prominent in my life and often becomes masked within my daily routine/personality of intense sarcasm) <I am not sure if any of that makes sense, but it does in my head...  Back to pride/self-righteousness--A number of times this past week, He has definitely uncovered the dirt of daily life that has been hiding my pride.  Actually, looking back this past week alone, I apologized to two different people after being made self-aware of issues of pride concerning things that have previously been unnoticed, no big deal.  Before praying this prayer of self-awareness, I would have never apologized for those instances, for they seemed hidden in who I was, only to be uncovered by who God is. Praise, praise be to Him in the highest!

I definitely encourage the prayer of self-awareness as I have already seen God do amazing things concerning it!  I will say, though, that this is a raw prayer of wall-breaking, which means that the potential for worldly pain through self-revelation is quite existent.  But, who needs the world, anyway?

Comic relief after the above mood killer:  While we are on the topic of prayer, I was praying last night aloud in my room and I heard myself say something that made me laugh for like...a really long time.  I mean, it was obvious that God put those words in my mouth for a good laugh.  I was praying for a group of young people I know and said something along the lines of, "Please help them to have that burning desire for you constantly.  Don't let them just have that camp fire..." And then I couldn't even finish because I realized that I said the word campfire without meaning to and maybe it's not that funny but God and I laughed for at least five minutes.

Prayer and Campfires,
LMB

Friday, January 28, 2011

The limit does not exist

Why hello,

Funny thing, I tried to write on this the past two nights, but couldn't.  I had so much I wanted to say--well, God had so much He wanted me to say--but the words were coming out like jello that has not quite reached its desirable consistency, but is almost there.  I have finally settled enough from my state of overwhelming astonishment to put words together that actually make sense (relatively).  The words will not come close to accurately describing how incredible He and what He did are, but I will nonetheless try.  But it was just so so so awesome and new and I really wish you ALL could have been there to experience it with me.  Cool part: you can.

I guess why I have been so ridiculously jumpy and spiritually spastic is because God is all around me.  I picture it like this:  You know how a dog who loves to play fetch spins around in circles each time the ball holder moves positions, excitedly awaiting the person to throw the ball.  Of course, to accurately track the ball down in the most efficient way, the dog has to know where the ball is at all times.  So in an effort to do this, the dog spins around tirelessly yet so enthusiastically as if on it's tip-toes each time the ball moves positions.  That would be me.  Tongue hanging out and all, thirsty and craving.  I can see God now- "Look Lou, here I am over! (turn head quickly) Oh wait, now I'm over here... (turn head quickly) Haha--yes, God laughs--now I am over here! (turn head even more quickly while still resisting whiplash)" He has been everywhere!  My head has been spinning (hmm doubly-figuratively?).  And now that I have referred to myself as a dog...

I am so excited to see where God is going to make me turn my head to next!  He does not have to do that, He doesn't have to do anything for us, really, but if we are thirsty enough, we will look everywhere we go for water.  God is obviously everywhere-- it is all about looking...

Sometimes I get so caught up with MY relationship with God and how awesome it is becoming (because of Him) that I forgot so easily that everyone else has this exact same potential and then some.  Every single person on this earth can have an intimate relationship with the Savior.  Who am I to place limits on the Lord?  Satan deceives us with exceptions like, "Oh, she could have a relationship with God, but her personality just won't let her," or "He would not listen to me tell him about knowing God personally because He would think it would be too awkward and He would not listen..."  Jesus, your love has no bounds!

Coolest part of the week possibly:  Prayer walk across west campus (where I live).  If you have not done something like this-- DO IT.  But really, I look for God where I want to see Him.  Bad, bad Lou!  I forget that each and every person I pass by, ride the elevator with, sit beside in the dining hall, or wherever I may be, has the potential to have a deep and passionate relationship with our Lord and Savior.  The same potential I had.  Who am I but a lost sheep, now found, who had potential?  Innate potential.  We are born lost, broken, but coupled with that, we are born with potential.

Ahh!  So many people!  But God has no limits.  He tears down walls.

You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; I, the LORD, have created it. 
-Isaiah 45:8

Is that not one of the most beautiful proclamations you have ever read?  And all of this will happen...

Smile one more time than usual today,
LMB

Monday, January 24, 2011

Blinded in a good way

Shalom,

So, today was a day of intense revelation, let me tell you.  God is continuously showing me things-- and the cool thing is that when He's not showing me anything, He's still showing me something.  Catch that?  Why must my mind's lucid thoughts run in paradoxes and contradictions?  See!  There it is again!  I promise it makes sense.  "At least it does in my head." (<Can I trademark that phrase?)

Now that my usual "attempt-to-make-you-smile-by-allowing-you-to-make-fun-of-my-peculiarity-and-to-keep-you-reading-the-rest-of-the-post-with-hopes-that-you-can-continue-to-do-so" first paragraph is out of the way, it's time for the business-- ya feel me?

Starting now.  Over the course of my freshman year God has seriously pounded lesson upon lesson on me.  It took a lesson for me to realize the recognizing process of all these lessons (I know, right)... so basically, it's one big circle that will never ever stop which is awesome, might I say.

I feel like this is going to be another one of those posts that does not make much sense.  So be it!

I love when God tells me things.  Or shows me things.  Or presses them onto me so that I may feel them.  I love when it's super obvious.  When it's easy on me.  Basically, I love all of the selfish things associated with knowing God.  No one said it would be easy.  Actually, it is said to be quite hard.  Consider Exodus 33 when Moses could not look God directly in the face.  God was so bright that it hurt to look at Him.  This brightness paradoxically (again?) vagues out the understanding we try to seek.  Kind of like looking at the sun in the summer and the ring around it causes the surrounding sky to seemingly wiggle like air surrounding a gasoline tank.  I don't know where I get these images...

God shines so brightly that it hurts to look at Him in the face.  As a Christ follower, my desire is to look God right in the face, stare into His eyes-- intense intimacy.  I am not good at math (or clever references to math), but if you add together the previous sentences it would seem as though I am asking for it.  I am asking for pain.  "Cruisin' for a bruisin'," perhaps?

Praise God that His love is bigger than any earthly pain.  He has captured my heart in such a way that if, to know Him more, it involves anguish of any sort, let it come.  I realize that this is dangerous and seemingly absurd-- I blame God...actually, no.  I thank God.  I want to know Him at any cost!  I say bring the rain, because my Hurricane is stronger.

Now, trying to tie together what I said earlier about God teaching me lessons even when He isn't teaching me lessons, I will ponder through it like this:  What if, those times when we feel stuck, lost, like God isn't even there, He can't be there, those times when we want so badly for Him to scream at us, but we hear nothing, we desire so passionately for Him to just show us He is there, that He sees us in our despair or even our monotony... What if those times are the times that we are blinded by His brightness?  We cannot see His face because, in the midst of perceived loneliness and dryness, He is trying to reveal Himself to us, albeit His face is too bright for us to comprehend.  David was sent to the pasture for 40 days.... and then He triumphed over Goliath.  Preparation? Yes.  Painful?  Had to be.  I bet the sun shone pretty brightly in that pasture, though, if you know what I mean.  It hurts to look God in the face.

Praise God for beautiful pain!
LMB

Friday, January 21, 2011

Look at a tree differently, today.

I have a thing for trees.  Perhaps you have noticed, maybe not.  My computer wallpaper is a tree, my iPod background is a tree, the front display on my phone is a tree, even my travel coffee mug boasts a picture of a tree.  So, it makes no sense for my -cough, cough- blog -cough- (that word chokes me) background to NOT be a tree, right?  Maybe I have an obsession.  But it makes sense, I promise.  At least it does in my head!

Let me explain.  To me, trees represent freedom, openness, and vulnerability.  Now, while that last word does not quite seem to fit the stigma of the positively connoted appeal the other words offer, it is nonetheless a blessing.  By vulnerable, I mean vulnerable to the intimacy of letting God know me so closely, which He inevitably does, that it is in a sense frightening and gutsy.  "You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same," if I am going to quote a Chris Tomlin song.  But really, this all comes together.

When I first heard the song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan probably four years ago , my view on trees dramatically changed.  That line, you know which one I am talking about-- "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane; I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy."  Let us think about this (however, this image overwhelms me, so be prepared for mucho run-on sentences and "ands")-- I am a little baby tree.  I mean, I could be the biggest tree in the land but I would still be comparably small.  I live among the other trees, minding my own photosynthesis (?) and I am basically free to grow and branch out (I love puns) as I please.  Ahh, the freedom of the open air.  The birds.  The sun.  The wind.  Oh, the wind...

And so, in the land of accepted obliviousness, narrow worldliness, and conceptual self-sufficiency, I am overcome.  I am bound to the ground, unable to be moved by even the greatest of forces.  But when He comes, when HE comes, I am done.  I am no match.

The hurricane hits.  His "surpassing greatness" is so strong that even the largest of trees cannot stand on their own.  Even the thickest barked-skin begins to bend and the world around goes crazy with no direction whatsoever and it is hard to even comprehend what is going on and you are scared but something is making you submit, something is making you bend and His wind is not letting up, but instead it is getting stronger and stronger and faster and more powerful until the freedom you once felt you know longer feel... but you experience.

^ Wow really long sentence........

His love is a hurricane.  I am a tree.  The winds of His affection hit me so hard that it is indisputably breathtaking, that I am not able to stand on my own and when He proves that to me by knocking me over with His love-- however He wishes to do so--I am really free.  I am open.  I am vulnerable to His undeserving love.

As I do have a confessed love for symbolism, I also have a (previously) confessed love for correlation.  I chose the title of my blog (ahh) to be "Tear Down the Walls," and some of you may not know what I exactly mean by that.  (There is a really great song by Hillsong United called "Tear Down the Walls," by the way.)  Anyway, to go along with the tree-me analogy (not-so-funny rhyming humor), I was born with walls, walls that were created only to be torn down.  Walls of pride, selfishness, greediness, anger, manipulation, lust, shame, sin.  Now, I have never seen a tree surrounded by walls--it would not survive--thus making the tree "free", "open", and "vulnerable."  So by letting Him tear down the innate walls that I have built up higher and higher over time, I am submissive.  I am unhindered.  I am fully His.  He has all of me, and I am quite willing.  I cannot resist the hurricane of His love.  No walls.  Only openness.  And so, let the wind blow.

And that is why I like trees.

And that is why I say "Tear Down the Walls."

Love and trees,
LMB

Thursday, January 20, 2011

An excuse to rest

Greetings,

I am an unfaithful poster. (PLEASE notice my avoidance of the word "blogger."  The ambiguity of that word threatens me with humorous discontent.)  It has been quite the while.  And for that, I provide my deepest apologies.  However if I am not mistaken, I did offer a disclaimer in a previous post (probably one from way back in the day, like the year 2010) that I would not write just to write, but only when I (He) had something to say.  If I did not offer that disclaimer, let it be so with the previous sentence.

I am feeling extra goofishly nerdy today.  And for that, I am sorry again.
If you have not caught on, the apologies in this post are playfully sarcastic...
And now on to important matters...

On resting.  I am an avid napper, okay, not really--I just really wanted to use the word avid.  Anyway, I do enjoy the occasional mid-day slumber with a side of overly drawn out after-stretches.  The point is, resting is a wonderful thing.  I am sure some of you ridiculously busy people can attest to this much better than I can, but I nonetheless offer my testimony.

God has taught me here recently that resting is both physical and spiritual.  A lot of times I try to pound God into my head (as if that were possible).  A lot of other times I am admittedly spiritually fatigued by the war that we are so inevitably thrown into.  In either case, I am doing too much.  Too much trying, too much worrying, etc.

When I try to make God be God, I have learned that the outcomes are far different from when I let God be God.  It's as if I believe that I can manipulate Him into doing what I know He can do, because I want a part in it.

         Ooo... mistake number one: saying "I want."

When I am tangled up in the battle and feel the ammunition being blasted all around me, with no fort for me to dive into, I am worthless.  Seriously, you should see me.  I look like I have no hope.

        Ooo... mistake number two: saying "I have no hope."

There is a very popular verse, Psalm 46:10, that says,

Be still, and know that I am God.

Now this is incredibly hard to do.  Some of us have moments of spiritual ADHD where we try to do everything and try to make God talk and be God and I am so so so guilty right now. Ahh!
And some of us have moments where we are so tired and fed up with the fact that God is "not helping us" and that we should just "ride it out" alone until the gunfire stops.  We cannot ignore.  We must be warriors. (Ephesians 6:11)


Physical war is very tiring, I assume, and spiritual war is no different.  We must rest in God.  We must rest in His love.  Let Him hold you in His arms.

Confession: Some mornings when I wake up I lie in bed for a few more minutes and repeat phrases in my head like "Hold me, Father" or "Let me rest in You."  And I imagine in my head what it would feel like to be lying with God.  Like in green pastures... ooo sudden parallel.  Anyway, maybe it's a strange meditation-type thing that increases my weirdness.  And let it be so.

^ I am giving you permission to try the above exercise.

Happy resting,
LMB

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1/11/11

I felt it was an appropriate date to catch up for lost time.  Also, it has been an absolutely splendid day.  <These two sentences relate, I promise.

I was actually prepared for this date earlier this week, otherwise, it probably would have blown my mind!  Well, the surface anyway.  Actually, now that I think about it, if I wouldn't have been prepared for this day, I would have missed a lot of really cool God stuff.  Yay for God equipping! (Hebrews 13:20-21)

On Sunday mornings I attend Summit Church here in Raleigh which has a huge congregation and an awesome pastor and the worship is amazing.  On Sunday nights I attend a growing church called 724Raleigh with a small, intimate congregation...and an equally awesome and amazing pastor and worship!  I praise God for the balance and variety He has given me, because I am only a semester deep, but these two church families in my life have already impacted me!

Getting to the point, on Sunday night at 724Raleigh (I did not get back in time for Summit in the am) our message was about this date.  1/11/11.  ONE.  How often we forget (or at least I do) that He is the ONE!  He is the one we need.  All the time.  Over anything else.

We were challenged to intense prayer and fasting on this day.  I loved loved loved the idea.  God is the only one we need to live!  Now I have a whole new outlook on the number 1.  And guess what is super awesome?  This whole year when you write the date, you always have to write at lease two ones!!!!!  Praise God for a constant reminder that He is the ONE.

Props to Pastor Lee and 724Raleigh for enlightening me.  God IS doing awesome things!



We also sang a really fantastic song about God being the One.  It's called Remedy if you are unfamiliar.  David Crowder Band.  It correlates.  Have I mentioned I love correlation?!


He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who embraced us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He's the remedy

LMB